I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
