I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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