we have pet lesbian snakes
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
