I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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