whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
