I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
