coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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