don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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