if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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