I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
