The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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