I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
