I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
