Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
