Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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