i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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