I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
me + whiskey = a bad person
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