My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
