i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
