Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
