so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
