i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
