I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
