Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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