I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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