I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
