Umm I'm too high to move.
my shit smells like andre
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
