i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
