How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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