Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
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