Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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