Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
