another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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