I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
