I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
