i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
why do cheetos always look like penises
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
