bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
