I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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