The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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