this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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