Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
zippers are such a cool invention
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
