This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You may now shotgun with the bride
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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