I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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