oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
