Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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