nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
