I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize