She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize