The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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