she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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