Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
