ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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