he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
