You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
