Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
