rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
