My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
