Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
