sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
