This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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